all messed up

My miseries;Your yearnings

buttsandroses

[July 27, 2018 | 11:34 PM]

( ATIQAH ALI )

[March 03, 2011 | 07:01 AM]

I cannot sleep.
I'm full of angst.
Then curiousity got the better of me..
and I got sad
felt inferior

God! Why do I always have to make myself feel miserable?
Is there a word for it? Is there a condition for someone who constantly puts herself down? Who can't stand being just satisfied with her life?

God, please just let me live sanely till next month. I honestly dont know if i can wait that long.

I'm ashamed to say this, but I need a constant someone. Who understands me, who wont scold me cos I disagree. I just want him to respect my viewpoints yet voice out his difference of opinion. Who won't get on the offensive when I tell him I'm unhappy. I want a strong-headed person who is not afraid to swallow his pride and make the change with me.

It really takes two hands to clap, I feel as if I'm doing this on my own. Is it worth it? I'm so sure yet afraid of the answer that nobody knows. I just want to make this work. I want to give happy memories to the love of my life. Cos i owe him big big time. I just cannot let go when i finally found someone who made me settle down, who made me not even think of how life would be different if i was with another guy. Who made me think of even considering the unthinkable.

God, why are you so cruel? Sometimes, honestly, i detest you for experimenting with our lives. Bored? let's give him a stroke. Not enough? Why not screw up his kidneys? What a bitch, let him die at this moment and make her think maybe its her fault.

[March 01, 2011 | 07:01 PM]

WHY OH WHY AM I SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON?!

[February 28, 2011 | 02:54 AM]

So what got me here again?
Boredom. loneliness. overwhelming wave of neediness that won't go away for the past half hour of me trying to get to sleep.

I realised I'd only update this journal when I'm:
(a) Feeling frustrated just because I had a fight with him
(b) Feeling lonely
(c) Single and have not much going on in my life except for the half hour to type out my feelings onto my sooo aptly named livejournal which I sure hope as hell nobody else, aside from those who've already known since '08, finds out about. (I mean, what was I thinking with the wallpaper and the customized 'read' and 'comment' button?!)

I guess I can start writing onto this journal again, now when I know for sure my dear 'eljay' friends have either moved on to tumblr or have deserted their livejournals like I have. Livejournal, you're not cool anymore. Blogspot is making a comeback, wordpress is for serious...blogging...and tumblr is the new black.

I've always hated my own blogging voice. I don't know, I just hate it. I hate the way I write too. So forget it, I'm not going to start writing a lengthy post, proving to myself that I don't only update when i'm either (a), (b) or (c), when I AM all of the above now.

Yes, I only update when I've nothing nice to say. I update when I'm feeling miserable, with little heart bits in all the wrong places.

Edit: I just did a bit of digging, and I find it so ironic that over a year ago, someone I loved so dearly was writing on his own blog that he needed help because he was hurting those that loved him, mainly me, at that point of time. Come 2011, I'm ACTUALLY getting help for, somewhat the same reason. My life is a book of sick jokes, it makes you want to laugh and cringe at the same time.

[December 05, 2009 | 04:45 AM]

I wasn't supposed to be this sick
just slight phlegmy throat, the doc didn't even give me antibiotics
but i was so upset, i think I burnt my throat more and now i feel like I've fever
and resorting to eating leftover medicine frm 2 weeks ago

he doesn't care
his feelings and pride is worth way more than my well being

[October 24, 2009 | 02:37 PM]

I have never felt so frustrated in a long time
I'm fucking sick and tired of keeping my cool
and going back and forth between what I want and what is fair

It's fucking draining my mind and sanity

i was so fucking sane when i was single

[August 03, 2009 | 05:37 PM]

Contrary to popular belief,
I am not rotting my ass dry the WHOLE day at home
I have a plan

I'm just taking my own sweet time.
savouring these precious little things called weekday afternoons

And I have been earning, if not, extorting peanuts for small work favours

[June 30, 2009 | 09:11 PM]

Today, I finally got that little bit of tiny idea on what I'm going to do
about my unemployment & out of school status,
Guess what I did the whole day?

Go figure la babe.

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